Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

We have babies…We get Brazilians…The weaker sex? Not.

Sometimes I really can’t believe this is what I do for a living. I spread hot wax on every size, shape and color v-j-jay and rip it off like it’s the enemy (which is kind of how I view pubic hair.) And every woman I touch provides me with a different thought that enriches my day whether it be funny, sad or insightful. So this Sunday morning I would like to send a shout out to all the patrons of Mark & M.E. I am loving every minute of making this town a happier place, one pussy at a time.

You have no problem spending money on mani’s and pedi’s but you’re thinking twice about the expense of a wax? Priorities ladies.

I still can’t believe how often I hear of other salon’s taking up to an hour to perform a Brazilian. Someone needs to call the Pussy Police! Not only have we put a banner in front of our salon that says “Home of the 10 Minute Brazilian,” we even have shirts that say “Bald in 5” because that is the average time it takes me to do one. I am trying to reinforce the absurdity of the hour service for those of you who do not live in Rochester or for those of you who just don’t know any better. Another motto to remember….sixty is sadistic.

Most people wax because it makes sex better. And even if you aren’t having it, it’s good to be prepared. So when your man goes out of town, isn’t it fun to send him sexy messages to make him more anxious to get back to you? Well, what about sexy pics of your freshly waxed beave? Only problem for some of us is that after gaining 50 pounds several times and pushing a watermelon through the vag, the lips ain’t quite as pretty as they once were. They get a little stretched out and flappy looking. So us mom’s need to be a little more creative with our picture taking. As per my suggestion, one of my ladies tried taking pics to send to her man via text. She was very frustrated, however, when she looked at how they turned out. She said they looked like floppy elephant ears and was so mortified she couldn’t send them. In my opinion, your man would have accepted and enjoyed a photo of your lips no matter what they look like, elephant or not.

OK ladies, listen up. If you are a regular shaver who is planning to go someplace nice and warm on vacation and want to try waxing, you need to grow your hair longer. I tell women on a daily basis that I need a minimum of 2 weeks growth since your last shave. Eight to ten days is just not long enough. And actually, if you shave every day, then I want your hair even longer. How about 3-4 weeks? Your hair grows on a daily basis and unless you give me a respectable bush, it will not last in Bora Bora for ten days. I know that 3 weeks can be hard to stomach for some of you but remember how awesome vacation sex can be. It’s worth it.

There is a new series on Showtime about a woman with terminal cancer that is actually quite funny. There is an episode where she decides to stray from her “natural” look and be reckless by getting a Brazilian. They show her making funny noises and faces on the table. They even show her in the one legged happy baby position that I am so personally fond of. After she gets it, she tells her brother, who is deliberately homeless to make statements about the environment, that she is so excited about her new look that she really wants to show someone. Later in the episode, the camera shows her sitting in front of her class while they appear to be taking an exam. She nonchalantly slips off her panties, turns towards the door where this hot guy is painting a mural in the hall, and spreads her legs so he can get a peek.

After class, they end up doing it on the desk.

A couple was discussing the fall clean-up that they needed to do in their yard, such as removing some of the flower beds and trimming back the bushes. It was the mention of the bushes that provoked the man to tell his wife that her bush need some serious clean-up as well.

Whenever you decide to stop shaving so you can get a wax, I ask that you grow your hair for at least two weeks.

Three women came together for Brazilians. They are preparing their bikini lines for a tropical vacation in December, so the plan is to get 3-4 waxes before the trip. While they were in the room taking turns getting waxed, one of them mentioned “D” day. I asked them what that referred to. They said that was what they called the last day they were allowed to shave.

A woman went to her high school reunion. I imagine it was around her 20Th. There was an eligible man that she started flirting with. She asked him if he preferred hard wood or floor mats. Since she is a client of mine, you know what answer she was hoping for.