Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

Check your bush. I’m back tomorrow.

Last week, the contestants on the Biggest Loser trained with the Marines. One of the players was moaning for God’s help. (sound familiar?) The marine told her that God wasn’t going to help her. Their exchange made me laugh.

I think I should have been a Marine.

One of my clients was getting a pedicure at a discount salon that offered Brazilians, so she decided to get one while she was there. The room was sketchy and the sheets on the bed were filthy. The woman took a long time, didn’t get all of the hair, and the next day her skin was rashy and irritated. Hair was left randomly all over the bikini area and our favorite parts weren’t even remotely addressed. My client referred to her experience as a “back alley abortion Brazilian.”

When you’re a kid, you dream about doing all sorts of things when you grow up. When I was young, I had only been exposed to chain hair cutting places like Super Cuts. In the 70’s, it was called Cut & Curl. I didn’t know anything about salons or spas and I certainly had never heard of waxing. If it hadn’t been for marrying a hairdresser, I doubt I would have ever discovered this profession. So this morning I was thinking about what kind of person would dream to do what I do for a living? You’d think a fairly angry and sadistic person since I inflict pain on women with abrupt movements with a big smile on my face. But, the truth is that I don’t have an angry, mean or sadistic bone in my body. That led me to the realization that women will do whatever is necessary to achieve a particular goal such as pushing an eight pound baby through her cervix with no meds. When a woman waxes, her goal may be to eliminate razor bumps or improve her sex life. My profession allows me to be the facilitator that helps a woman achieve that goal. So, in a way, I’m like Mother Theresa.

I was talking to one of my relatives from out of town last night. He knows about my book and heard I had started a blog, but he had never read it. He thought the blog title was something like “cool down your hoo-ha.” When I told him the real title, he started to laugh. He said he was much more interested in “heating up a hoo-ha” instead of cooling it down which is why he never looked at it. Gotta love family.

People have all sorts of phobias, snakes, spiders, germs. I can’t say that I am really that afraid of anything that would label me phobic. I do find some things pretty offensive, like pubic hair for instance, but that has motivated my passion for my profession. There was a woman who told me she was sending her girlfriend in to see me. This friend can’t stand hair and shaves everything. She calls her friend a hair-a-phobe. OK, so maybe I do fall into that category.

Skinny jeans have been a source of amusement at the salon lately. Not only do women look ridiculous trying to get their ankles out of the ends, I even had a girl fall over because she got tangled up and couldn’t get her leg out. In many cases, it takes longer for a woman to undress who is wearing skinny jeans then it takes for me to wax her. Maybe sweat pants would be more appropriate on wax days. Anyways, I think your puss would appreciate some airspace after you see me. Putting your bald bush in bondage after a Brazilian…probably not the smartest move.

No pun intended?

Dare to be bald.

This is my 200Th blog entry. I can’t believe that this over taxed brain of mine could come up with that many amusing things to say. I have to give the credit to my clients, who continually provide me with the stories that make us laugh, cringe and want to puke.

So on this momentous occasion, I urge my regulars to continue with their antidotes and ridiculous behaviors that make every day special and the new folks to bring us fresh new energy to share with the world.