Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

For years women have been telling me that they sweat like a horse while I am waxing them. Do horses really sweat?

I have a chapter in my manuscript called “The Vagina, a.k.a.” which talks about all the pet names women have for their parts. And although I have a pretty decent list written in the book, I continually hear new names. Yesterday a woman came in for her first ever Brazilian and she was adamant that I leave her “treasure trail.” So I did.

First timers give me the best blogs. I guess the anxiety of the anticipated pain and embarrassment leads people to say the craziest things. As I am about to ask a client to roll on her side, she sits up and says “my poor thing!” And, of course, in my charming, sympathetic way, I responded, “your poor thing is just fine. Now roll on your side and shove your rectum in my face.”

A woman can get confused when she is in pain and the blood is rushing to her private area. So when an Asian girl tells me “no me gusta,” I feel kind of bad.

I love when people who have moved out of town come back to visit me. A woman who now lives in Virginia told me she couldn’t wait to hear me say “give me your ass.”

Was it easy for the Easter Bunny to find his treats this morning or did he have to rummage through the grass?

I don’t mind waxing the crack in your ass, but when there is crap smeared on your ass, I am not a happy girl.

I love hearing stories from my clients about their past wax experiences. A girl told me her first experience was so uncomfortable, it took her a long time to get the nerve to do it again. The service lasted about an hour and the woman wouldn’t talk to her. My client told me she wanted to say to the girl “what the hell are you thinking?” She just wanted the technician to stop staring so intently at her v-j-jay and say something. I could feel the awkwardness as she was describing the scenario. My advice to beauty professionals is the following. If you aren’t comfortable spreading a girl’s lips and doing your thing, stick to cutting hair, not ripping hair.

A client told me that it wasn’t very ladylike to lie on her side while I waxed the crack of her ass. I told her that it wasn’t ladylike to have a hairy ass.

When a woman walks into the room and says “get ready for Woodstock,” I’m instantly wishing I had something to light up to prepare myself.