Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

After I finished a Brazilian, the girl said she was thankful that she no longer looked like a Jim Henson creation.

Women get tattoos everywhere. And I mean everywhere. And you know you are due for a wax when you have so much hair that you can’t see your tattoo.

There are Groupons for everything these days, including Brazilians. One of my clients went to another salon to take advantage of a cheap wax. When she walked in the room, the girl asked her if she ever had a Brazilian before. She said that she normally went to Mark & M.E. They girl replied with a long sigh and said that she didn’t do them as good as we do. This made the woman quite nervous and, as it turned out, she had every right to be. The technician used small strips, small sticks, and a hard wax on the lips that got stuck to the skin and had to be picked off. After close to an hour, the woman was left red, swollen and rashy. She’ll never cheat on me again.

At work we call it a FUPA -fat upper pussy area.

If I see anything creepy down there, I am going to say something. It is never to embarrass you or suggest that you have something funky going on between your legs. I am all about a bald, healthy and happy vagina and it’s a lot easier for me to see your parts.

There are many expressions that people use to describe different body types. I learned that there is a word for when a woman has a large stomach that hangs over her lady parts and you can’t tell where the stomach ends and the puss begins. The word is BUNT. When the belly hangs over the c…

Now that our guys know that we are more into warmth and comfort with our underwear, I hope they can be more understanding why we don’t parade in sexy lingerie 24-7. We don’t ask them to stick a string of lace up their ass, so why should we? I had to laugh, however, when a client told me that she has a pair of old, comfy pajamas that she wears that indicates to her husband that he ain’t getting any. He calls them the d-erection jammies.

Men like us to be dressed all sexy in frilly undies and lacy teddies that try to make us look like a little girl,a porn star or even a whore. What they don’t realize is that a lot of the sexy lingerie out there isn’t very comfortable, doesn’t always look as good on us as it does on the Victoria Secret models, and, frankly, it just doesn’t keep us very warm in our lovely Western New York climate. So you might want to take us to Hawaii or some other tropical destination and we’ll consider putting on some undergarments that make us self conscious about our celluite and muffins tops and itch like crazy and let you have your little fantasy.

I received an email from a client who wanted to get a wax, but I was out of town when she wanted to come in. Instead of having one of my staff members wax her, she decided to wait until I came back. There was only a small window of opportunity between the time I got home and the time she left for vacation. Her message to me said that it was vital she found a time to come in because woolly mammoths don’t belong in the tropics.

Old, new, borrowed, blue. Don’t forget bald.