Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

I love being a mom, but I have never forgotten how to be a woman. Make time for yourself and do something that makes you happy. I love to take baths, so I make it a priority to find time to soak in a hot, lavender scented bath.  Have your man take the kids for ice cream and forget about the dishes and the laundry. Fill a tub, light the candles, pour yourself a glass of wine, and take a minute to breath.

Let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. I was waiting for UPS to bring me a copy of my new book, which is entitled “A Promise of Passion.”  My daughter told me it was delivered to my house and offered to bring it to the shop. I was so excited! If the book looked like it was put together properly, then I was planning to order 100 copies and make it available on Amazon. When I opened the package, I found the following book. It is a book of poems about God. This is obviously not my romance novel and I’m a little nervous about the religious person who wrote this book getting my romance novel by mistake. I was disappointed, but I found it mildly amusing that the author of this book would be reading about the size of my main character’s appendage in the introduction. There has to be a reason this happened.

The stories I write about are true. That’s why I wrote three books. The Happy Hoo-Ha Trilogy is an accurate account of my experiences as a Brazilian Wax Technician. My clients say the greatest things. Yesterday, I ripped a pretty large and very hairy strip off a woman who had skipped last month. When I showed her the strip, she said “That’s where my guinea pig went!”

#marknme mascot. Bandit wants everyone to come and get ripped!

Since my children have enjoyed entertaining in our family room, my carpet has gotten pretty stained over the years. We called the carpets cleaner and they worked very hard to remove the stains. When I went to pay the bill, I noticed that the carpet cleaning company was located on Beaver Creek Road. I burst out laughing. Of course, the carpet is located on the beaver. Crazy how everything is related to my profession.

In this month’s issue of Women’s Health, there’s a short article about vaginal queefs. They say it’s a safe, but embarrassing sound that is made when air pockets get trapped inside the vagina during intercourse. Even though I spend my life beautifying this particular area of a woman’s body, that expression really bugs me. Maybe if the expression wasn’t so awkward, the sound wouldn’t be either?

I know it’s hard for many people to imagine staying with the same person for decades. One of the things I asked myself before I got married was “can I live with the shit about Mark that bugs me?” It’s easy to focus on the good things in your relationship, but that’s not the stuff that will break you apart. So you have great sex or he makes you laugh? Big deal. Can you live with his incessant burping or the piles of dirty socks he leaves on the floor? It’s the stupid shit that can be potential deal breakers. It’s the stupid shit that could potentially drive you nutty. My advice tonight is this…can you live with the shit about your mate that bugs you? If the answer is no, then you have some soul searching, my friend. If the stupid shit is inconsequential in the scheme of things, then you have a chance.

I’ve gotten a ton of positive feedback from my blogs about relationships. I can’t take credit for everything I’ve shared though. Some of the insight I get is from my clients. I know a woman in her 30’s who is married and has three children. Last year, she fell in love with a man other than her husband. It took her a while to get the courage to tell her husband the truth. When she finally admitted that she loved another man, her husband was relieved. He discovered that he was also in love with another man. As corny as it may sound, the truth set them both free. I know it can be scary to be honest sometimes, but it is always the way to go. Besides, if you are happy in your relationship, you’ll have a happier hoo-ha, which has been my goal all along.

I’ve never taken a picture of my heated wax before, but I loved how this particular pot of wax looked. I thought it looked like a cute and happy alien, with the one eye in the shape of a heart. Two of my employees thought it looked like boobies. That works too.  Either way, I had to stop in the middle of a Brazilian to take a picture, because the design in it made me smile.

Another reason to wax….One of my clients decided to save some money. She bought some Nair and put it all over her bikini area. Within two minutes, she felt an insane burning sensation. She quickly removed the depilatory cream and looked down to see her inner lips swelling up. She could barely walk and was in so much pain, her man had to take her to the hospital. Not only did she have an allergic reaction to the cream, she had second degree burns over the entire area. It took awhile for the swelling to go down and for the area to heal. Yea, I think I’ll stick with waxing.