Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

There is a reason I named the book “Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha.” After this week, I am tempted to change it to “Power Wash Your Pussy!” Get the hint?

People have all sorts of pet names for their v-jay-jays. In fact, I have written an entire chapter in my book about the different names that I have heard over the years. What you don’t hear much about are names for the rectum. So I was excited when a client told me her girlfriend calls her anus the “brown starfish.” After years of looking at assholes, I was thoroughly amused by that description. It’s more appropriate then you may think.

I love hearing about the different things men say to encourage their women to come see me. One husband told his wife that he wished she’d do something with her enchanted forest. I told her there was nothing enchanting about the huge, overgrown bush that was between her legs.

Occasionally women scream when they get waxed. After all these years, what’s a little screaming? In most cases, it’s pretty amusing. But when a woman reaches in her purse to grab a sock to carry to the waxing table, one has to wonder what is going on. And when she gets on the table and says she is ready as she puts the sock in her mouth, it’s impossible not to laugh.

hahahaha you need to get this published! so funny

A new client comes in and tells me she is terrified. I immediately start in with my uplifting banter to put her at ease. After the first rip, she says “this is excruciating!” I said, “no sweety, you used the wrong “e” word. It’s exhilarating.” She says, “No it’s not. It’s fucking excruciating.” I replied, “no, it’s fucking exhilarating.” She started to laugh. At this point, I was almost done. Three more rips, and she was off the table.

So this is how this whole Brazilian thing works. A woman enters the room, gets naked from the waist down, hops up on a massage table, & spreads her legs. Then I spread hot wax all over her genitalia and rip as fast and as furious as possible. This service almost always includes some squirming, yelling, obsenities and even some interesting name calling. The upside of the whole experience is that it is over in less than ten minutes and the client is left bald as a newborn.

Better than a therapist 🙂