Hose Down Your Hoo-Ha

I had a man buy a copy of A Promise of Passion for his wife. She is in her early 50’s. She is fairly conservative, so he wasn’t sure how she would react to the sexually explicit scenes. Not only did she enjoy the way I write and the story, she found my candidness very enlightening. She asked him to buy Passion Never Dies, because she was interested to see how the story continued. My mother teased me that the first book was very “instructional.” According to this man, it has been. It’s brings me so much joy to think that I was able to enhance their relationship with my love story.

I love when clients tell me that random things remind them of me. For instance, a woman likes to sing the Aussie Kids Song “Kookaburra” with her toddler. Whenever she hears, “merry, merry king of the bush is he” she thinks of me. She said she has even found herself singing “queen of the bush is she.” And my name is technically Mary, so it totally works. I’m proud to be the Queen of the Bush!

Last week I was waxing a woman who found it quite difficult because she hadn’t been to Mark and M.E. since August. She was panting and moaning and squirming all over the table. When I finished, she laid back with a heavy sigh and told me she needed a cigarette.

Five years with my last “wax it all” car and was never stopped by a cop. Five days with the new one and I was stopped. I wasn’t speeding. I may wax fast but I don’t drive fast. Think he was trying to pick me up. Wishful thinking. He was cute. I wasn’t charged with anything. Thank God. Still love my personalized plate. Says it all.

If you read my blog this morning, I told you about a girl who said there wasn’t anything better then a clean booty hole. If you were confused by what she was referring to, she was talking about the beauty of that area being hairless. I forgot to tell you what happened next. In order to give you a clearer picture of the scene, she was wearing was a small, sleeveless t-shirt and nothing else. When she got off the table, she started dancing around singing “clean booty, clean cootchy…” It feels really good to make people this happy simply by waxing their booties and cootchies. God, I love my job.

It may seem a little excess to have written three books (The Happy Hoo-Ha Trilogy)  about my career as a Brazilian Wax Technician, but something funny or outrageous is said or done every day. No, I’m not exaggerating. I have post-it notes on my desk as reminders of what people do and say, because it is hard to remember everything. A young woman told me that there “ain’t nothing better than a clean booty hole.” Who am I to disagree?

One of the things we discussed on the Brother Wease show was sexually transmitted diseases. I reminded everyone that crabs have become virtually extinct because of the popularity of Brazilian Bikini Waxes. Paulie reminded us about the time Wease got them in his mustache and beard.

On Wednesday, I was on the Brother Wease show for a few minutes. When I got back to the shop, a listener gave me a call. It was a man. He wanted a “full wax.” It took a little investigative questioning but I figured out he wanted a Brazilian. He asked if there was a man who could wax him. We only have women who do the Brazilians at Mark and M.E. He said thank you anyways. I just couldn’t convince Mark to do it.

So what happened to that landing strip that I was supposed to leave 1/8-1/4 inch wider on each side? I made it wider by turning it into a triangle. This way, there was a part that was hopefully 1/8 inch wider and a part that was 1/4 inch wider. No, I didn’t measure it. Waxing isn’t weird for me but measuring the area would be. I’m a v-j-jay artist, not architect.

I love when men participate in their wives personal grooming. A man asked that I leave 1/8 inch more on each side of his wife’s landing strip. If it was easier, he said I could leave 1/4 inch instead. I thought this was a funny request. Did he actually expect me to measure it? She said he was specific with the measurement because he was a contractor. Oh, that explains it.